THE POWER OF Touch
By Lorelle VanFossen
TELL A MAN THAT THERE ARE 400 BILLION STARS AND HE'LL BELIEVE YOU.
TELL HIM A BENCH HAS WET PAINT AND HE HAS TO TOUCH IT.
I come from a family heritage of anti-touching. As small babies, we
were hugged and cuddled, coddled and cooed, but then something
happened. Maybe it was the changes that occur naturally in children,
when the body hair starts to grow and other parts begin to develop.
Maybe it was the attitude that came with the new spurts of growth, an
attitude that screamed, "Leave me alone!" and the adults complied.
I don't know when the general touching stopped in my family, but it
did, condensing itself into random and forced hugs and the occasional
pat on the back. Their attitude wasn't the only one to change. My
attitude towards touch started changing about the same time, too.
After a few harsh lessons as a blossoming teenager, touch had
to be evaluated. What does he really mean by putting his hand on
my shoulder? A business and advertising major in college, I learned
how body language and touch can be used to sway a customer or
influence a stranger. How the shake of the hand can be used to
convey personality. I learned how touch can be used to manipulate.
Teaching self defense and rape prevention training, I loved discussing
unwanted touching, evaluating which types of touch were perceived as
"acceptable" and which weren't. Slowly, I learned some people tolerate a
lot of touching I find offensive, while others avoid touching at all costs,
consciously and unconsciously making decisions about touch based upon
their own personal experiences. My sensitivity towards touch changed,
as did my attitude. I began to see it as a symptom of a greater problem
and decided to tackle my issues with touch head-on by resolving my
underlying psychological issues with touch.
From avoiding touch altogether, I started to allow it to come into
my life. I started with my parents.
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch,
a smile, a kind word, a listening ear,
an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the
potential to turn a life around. – Leo Buscaglia
LEARNING HOW TO TOUCH AGAIN
Not long before I turned 30, I started hugging my parents upon
arrival, at least once during the visit, and at the end of the visit. It
freaked my father out. Yet, once when I forgot to hug him, he reached
out and grabbed me in an awkward embrace, squishing me as he
squeezed too hard and then pushing me away in his embarrassment.
My mother was a different story. After over twenty years in abusive
marriages to survive as a strong and single woman, she found my hugs
a lifeline in the quicksand of her life. She would hold on longer as if
to make sure it was real.
Meeting my future husband brought me into a new realm of touch.
His family are cuddly folks, holding hands, sitting close, scratching
and massaging each other's backs, just happy to be near each other.
I'm still learning to be comfortable around that kind of unrestrained
touching freedom as I continue along the path of learning how to
give and receive touch.
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