A Change in Emotion
By D. J. Storey
Suicide. The mere word evokes an array of emotions - guilt, fear, anger and sadness to name a few. For anyone who has lived through the suicide of a friend or relative, these emotions are vivid reminders that the grieving process is ongoing. I recently lost a friend to suicide. My memories of him appear in the least expected places. While cleaning, I find the knickknack he once gave me for Christmas. While scrubbing the crock pot, I remember his love for my cocktail meatballs at our Christmas parties. Our deck at dusk reminds me of the stimulating talks my husband and I had with him. Emotions flourish, and I find myself on the verge of tears at the most inopportune moments. Any death can cause such emotions, but suicide carries the extra emotional baggage of guilt. Questions run through the survivor's mind such as, "Could I have stopped this from happening? Why didn't he tell me he was depressed? Why didn't I notice that something was wrong?"
Anger also shows its ugly head with thoughts such as, how could he do this to us, or how could he be so selfish, or why didn't he call? Although these emotions are valid, nothing seems to soften their effect. I believe everything happens for a reason and for the best. This saying has been drilled into my family for generations. When something traumatic happens, the expected words, "Everything happens for the best," ring out from my mother, my siblings, or from my own children as well. This optimism is hereditary. But, how can it apply to suicide? I turned to a close friend who had experienced suicide first hand after losing a family member. I asked her, "What do you think happens to their soul?" The answer she gave provided the comfort I needed.
She told me she had discussed suicide's effect on the soul with many people, some of whom were religious leaders. Although she received many varied beliefs, the one she cherished most was the following:
When we come into this life, each of us has a purpose and lessons to learn. We have relationships with those around us to aid in learning those lessons. She said many people try to commit suicide, but fail because it's not their time. Perhaps people who succeed in suicide have one more important mission in life: to take their life so others might learn an important lesson from their death.
This concept made my head whirl, and I began to realize that this was the answer to my question, "What good could come out of suicide?" This new belief changed my entire attitude. My anger was gone and my guilt was no longer needed. More important, this forced me to begin looking for my important lesson.
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| D.J. Storey |
How had this event changed my life? I thought back over the past few days and realized that I had an uncontrollable urge to let friends and family know they were important to me. Emails were sent, phone calls were made, and people I don't talk to on a regular basis were contacted.
The loss of my friend created a need to touch those people and let them know they were special to me.
From this day forward I vowed to cherish those I love and to let them know that often. The impact of death causes emotions to soar and perhaps this lesson will fade in time, but I will keep all of the reminders throughout my home: the knickknack, the crock pot, our deck at dusk, and remember my dear friend's parting lesson.
D.J. Storey is a freelance writer, mother of two, corporate systems analyst, and truth seeker studying new thought and metaphysics.
